I was born in an infinite pool of desire. I dreamt of money, cars, electronics, friends and people who loved me. I had all the ability needed to achieve those desires. What I missed was an idea of what to do once I fulfilled them. Where does the next turn take you?

Once you’ve attained it all, what is left? That’s easy, while trying to fill your desires, you picked up some new ones. New desires. Maybe, you realized your old desires weren’t big enough; it rained and your pool became an ocean. So, you keep going. Until the desires subside or you decide that it’s silly to keep chasing, you keep pushing yourself. You drink the ocean. Then, what do you do? You wait for life to end. You desire to outlive your siblings.

Desire is an interesting paradox. Everybody has desire or hope. Otherwise, you would be a monk or depressed. If you have hope or meaning, life seems so simple. You have reason to keep going. But, a monk has renounced any worldly desire. So, what keeps them going? In some communities, monks are revered and reach out to aid those in need. So, maybe it’s the chance to serve humanity. They spend hours studying and meditating, so maybe they seek knowledge and connection to something deeper. Maybe, they just want a nicer room and the power associated with the title of head llama.

I don’t have an answer, I’m just exploring the idea of being void of desire. What’s left after you realize that the world has nothing left to offer you? Is there meaning to life without desire?

As I pointed to above, many fill that gap with a belief they can make a contribution to humanity. Some spend it pursuing an unquenchable hedonistic thirst. Others harvest the rewards of the seeds they sowed during their days of desire. What was the point of all that hard work, if you can’t enjoy filling that desire that drove you for so long?

Some never filled their desires or chose desires that were unachievable, and gave up. These people live in denial and ignorance, avoiding the pain of their failure. They will drown their minds until the impermanence of biology gets the better of them.

Now, let’s consider someone special. This person fundamentally despises other humans. Yes, I see the irony in they are human, yet can’t stand their own race. To negate the irony, let’s say that this person despises themselves. They were treated without compassion as a child and knew nothing of trust or love. They grew up experiencing only cold and loneliness. They are alienated, at least in their mind. I’ll bet their favorite season is winter. They were offered help and compassion from others in their life, but turned down their offerings in a shroud of pride or inability to trust. This person would rather take without being offered, often in a sneaky manner, like they were cheating in a game only they were playing. Their greatest desire in life is to build an empire and status for the sake of spite or power over others.

Let’s say that this person has an epiphany and realizes the error of their ways. They find out that all their desire was for naught; it was fundamentally unfulfillable. What does life have left for this person?

Society has a deep seated fear of death. It runs rampant. But, once you understand and accept death, you have to accept it as a possibility in any moment. Sometimes, death is right. It can’t always be wrong. It’s part of life.

Is there a right or wrong way to live your life? Are there good and bad pursuits in life? Is that what you truly believe, or just what you’ve been told? Think about it. Good and bad, right and wrong, don’t really exist. They are opinions; words used to express desires of another. You can’t say that your life is any more correct than any other life. There is no good way to start or finish. There’s nothing and nobody more important than anybody else. It’s all a device to advance humanity.

Advance humanity. Most people are just trying to survive! So, who is deciding how we should be advancing? I’ll bet it isn’t you! But, even if it was, would you be making better decisions than they are? Don’t forget, we just found out that there is no good or bad.

I’ll bet a sense of futility just captured you. If not, go back and read it again. Now, let me ask again. What does life have left for you?

I grew up believing that it was embarrassing to be vulnerable. True strength had no holes. A person worthy of respect was a superhero. Impenetrable. Invulnerable.

I tried to hide it. I tried so hard. I lied and deceived myself, and everyone else, somewhat unsuccessfully into believing that I was stronger than I was. That I am less vulnerable than I am. Possibly the biggest mistake I ever made. Am still making.

The darkness only grew. It began to consume more and more of my life. School. Friendships. Family. Conversations. Eventually, it got so big that there was nowhere left to hide. I was the darkness. I cried in the darkness.

You have to let go of this dark weight you’re carrying around. It’s a very romantic notion that all the garbage and pain is actually healing, beautiful and poetic. It’s not. It’s just garbage and it’s pain.

The strongest are those who are willing to be vulnerable. To put their thoughts and feelings, fears and emotions into words and out into the world. Those who are willing to be themselves. Those who are comfortable with themselves. Those who trust themselves.

For the bear, this decision is instinctual. But, even if it weren’t, the bear would fight his heart out. To his bitter end. Once he engaged, he would forget that he had the option of escaping. He would never accept second best. He would never fight scared of loss. Scared that he made the wrong decision.

As I read my thoughts, I introduce fear into every situation before I even start. What if this isn’t the right place for me to be? What if this isn’t the right decision? What if I made a mistake? By questioning and re-analyzing the decision, I can’t win. No matter what decision it was. I can no longer fully dedicate myself to succeeding in my new post-decision reality. The battle intimidates me. I could have easily run, but didn’t. I could still run, but I’m waiting for a sign. I don’t want to lose, but escape is better than a loss. Or, is it?

But, sometimes we get led away from that person. We forget to double check our decisions. We lose sight of the person we once were and the life we once wanted. We may be led by the actions of another. A sudden event in our life may push us. We might begin a steep fall down a slippery slope of bad decisions without even knowing it. Before you know it, you’ve moved so far away from your ideal that the person you were before becomes your new dream. At least she hadn’t made so many bad decisions. Or did she?

All we ever wanted was to fill our dream, our ideal. But, now it seems so bleak. It’s drifting away, into a deep dark grayscale abyss. We’ve dug a hole so deep that it seems impossible to reach back up to the place where we once were. Let alone rise above it.

How does this happen? How do we become someone we know we’re not? It scares me just thinking about it. Living to see it realized is unspeakably difficult. A better question to ask might be, What can we do? We all know that choosing the right path is never easy. It’s an accumulation of every decision you’ve ever made, and every decision you didn’t make. The future holds infinite possibilities for us, but probability says that at least as many of those paths are fulfilling, as they are disappointing. It might be the saddest despair for a man to look back on what once was, or what could never be. I can’t tell you what the right path, or the path to fulfillment might be, but I can tell you it doesn’t lead to despair.

After an 18 month hiatus, I am reviving this blog. Those eighteen months were packed with more lessons than I care to highlight now. Instead, I will answer a few simple questions, and save the juicy details for the future. I love anticipation!

Why did I stop writing so many months ago? As we all know life happens altogether too quick to fully comprehend it in that moment. Or at least, the last year and half as felt that way. I became way to enamored with my life and myself to bother writing. There was no point. My life was perfect. I couldn’t bring myself to honestly reflect on my new life. I chose to ignore and live in blissful ignorance. Despite the castle walls that were crumbling around me.

Which brings me to why I’m breathing (or typing!) life back into my unfinished journal. As all good things do, my life and identity as I knew it, came to an abrupt end. In a combination of experiences that still make me emotional, I lost everything I thought I had. So, cracking open this journal is also a coming of age for the author. I’ve come to realize how important this forum really is to me, my life and my growth. I will breathe life forever more.

As a final metaphorical irony, this post is being published on 9/11 (2008). I still remember where I was that day, six years ago. And, I’m still here.

If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,
If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools

I have experienced a moment that will change my life forever. This moment was a very profound, spiritual, intimate and reflective event. I feel like I left the Iron Ring Ceremony as a different person than the one that entered.

Yesterday, I was greatly honoured to have participated in The Ritual of the Calling of an Engineer, a century old tradition in Canadian Engineering. The Ritual (also known as The Iron Ring Ceremony) is a significant time in an engineers’ life. At this time, the young engineering graduate becomes a qualified member of the profession. An important step, but what really touched me was the symbolism of the moment.

The ideals of an engineer encompasses many virtues that I hold in high regard. These virtues include honesty, integrity, reliability and a responsibility to society. I value an awareness of our society and respect those who contribute to it. I understand meaningful relationships and know that we can only advance as a race if we give more than we take. In our current state, I believe that there are a disproportionately small number of people who make the greatest contributions back to society. I believe that the volume of value given by the great contributors exceeds the value taken by others. Integrity, strength of character, is embodied in self assuredness and applied in the engineers’ every decision. Honesty is removing the guise that your pride places on your mind and representing entirely candid thoughts and feelings. One must possess high integrity to be genuinely and eternally honest since one must trust themselves before others will offer their trust. Reliability is a strength of character so strong that it stands through diversity, disaster and time. Rudyard Kiplings’ voice gives words to these ideals in the above quote.

Kevin Bailey, a man that I have known for quite some time, and a person that I believe represents these virtues placed the symbolic ring on my finger. In that moment, I felt a wave of pride wash over me. I knew that moment was the beginning of the rest of my life. My character has been ever slowly evolving and this symbol unites my virtues with my character. The ring feels like a piece of my integrity, an ageless memento of commitment to myself.

My life did change in that hour. Eternally, for the better.

The timing of this day was perfect. I have passed through several important stages of questioning my moral character, leading up to the ceremony. You do not need to wait for a significant event to reflect on life and change your personality. It is never too late to be the person you want to be. Take the opportunity now and the next hour will change your life.

Lately, my mind has been broken. I’ve been reviewing some of the posts that I wrote when I first started this blog, and realize how clearly I was thinking then. What factors affected my ability to think clearly and how can I replicate that state? At the time I was spending evenings alone, I was eating well, getting regular exercise and sleeping about 9 hours a night. I never skipped a meal. I felt refreshed and awake when I woke up every morning. I was living in a beautiful place with moderate weather, right on the pacific ocean. Now that I think about it, my mind was never clearer.

Since I’ve been back at school, my mind has slowly been reduced to mush. I started strong, but the stress, responsibilities and time constraints have been slowly wearing me down. I get an average of 7 hours sleep and I regularly miss meals. I certainly do not eat a regular healthy meal. I still play sports, but my focus is much more competitive. In a metaphorical sense, I am always on.

This discussion is leading to several well known problems that are characteristic of our western society. These are the issues of time management and work-life balance. I see these both as being the same problem, since work-life balance is how you manage the time that you are given.

As I am nearing the end of my academic career, I realize that my style of time management is not well organized. I know that I have a short attention span, and I have a tendancy to divert my attention quickly, often too quickly. It is difficult for me sit and focus on the same task for extended periods of time. I think of my mind as having a thought capacity. My thought capacity changes from time to time, but my mind is always running at capacity. Should I begin to lose thought on the task at hand, my thoughts begin to wander. In this way, my mind as always able to maintain thought capacity. Like nearly every other describable human character trait, my wandering attention is both a blessing and a curse.

Can I be productive while changing focus regularly? I can, but I need to get a feeling for the best time to switch between tasks. I need to set goals, especially smaller goals, and conquer them one goal at a time. I need to follow my own advice on squashing procrastination.

I need to recognize when my thought capacity is reduced, when I am not thinking clearly. I need to learn to adapt according and find a way to return to my best self.

I believe that I have a gift. A valuable and significant gift. I believe that this power I have within me cannot be realized without the opportunity. I have worked at several large companies. I have allowed others to manage both my time and my mind. To be honest, it felt great contributing to a team and given the occasional sensation that my effort was making a difference. It is a great feeling to be able to help another. This feeling is dear to me from my days as a ski coach. When you look into that fourteen year old’s eyes after a tough race, where they proved to themselves how amazing they really are, you get the warmest fuzzy feeling you could imagine. I have never felt so important, so significant, as I did in that moment. That said, if I were to devote my time to one of these large well-established companies, that would be the only time I would get that feeling. I would never get the satisfaction of knowing my strength had made a real societal impact.

Am I really this selfless? I have been known to put on a sarcastic, condescending or even disgusted face, but deep inside of me lurks this value. I am intensely frustrated by the endless amount of needless suffering this world endures. I am emotionally distressed by the thought that thousands of years of human advancement was lost when Rome was toppled by the barbarians. I cannot just watch the human race underachieve. I need to do whatever I can to improve the lives of current and future societies.

I have the passion. I embody the word ambition. I have confidence in every breath. I will fight every fight I reasonably believe that I can win, to the bitter end. I have an unfilled void in my life and I cannot sleep soundly until I can watch society realize its potential.

The pragmatist in me tells me that I am going to have problems in this role. I know that I cannot be perfect all the time. I am going to make mistakes. There are going to be decisions that I regret. There are going to times when I am not going to be able to find the right words. There are going to be times when I struggle with my shortcomings. I am worried that I will lose sight of the goal. It scares me to think that I might lose my ambition. I feel that as long as I stay true to myself and my values, I will be able to rise and overcome any challenges I may face. I also realize how cliche that sounds, but it is exactly how I feel.

I am going to experience many exicting times and many trying times. This experience is going to push me to all of my limits. I want this to be the most challenging and most rewarding time in my life. Above all, I want to be able to look back and know that I put all my effort into the most valuable cause I can think of. I want to know that I did the best I could. If I always stay true to myself, make the best decisions I can and give everything I have, I will never have regrets.

I have provided some insight into the person I want to be. Many people feel that the characteristics one prizes is the best way to describe a person because what you dream will become a self fulfilling prophecy. I am more pragmatic than that. I understand that people are going to lean towards dreams. A dream is also a dream and not always achieveable. A ideal might influence a decision. In life, there are many factors that are considered before reaching a conclusion. Not all decisions are going to follow a persons’ ideals. Descibing prized characteristics can only formalize a small subset of the complicated interactions that influence the mind.

I am going to run off on another tangent, to describe a subtle but meaningful fact. The process of understanding who you are is simply enumerating the factors that influence your decisions. Whether those factors are experiences, ideals, values, morals, trust, confidence, rules or influence. Think about it. Every decision that you make, or do not make, descibes the very essence of you. I have chosen to contemplate philosophical life issues in my blog. I chose not to read about applied methods of software validation. I chose not to spend time with my friends. I chose not to live in the United States. I chose against devoting my every waking hour to reduce the impact of major complications affecting every lifeform in the known universe. Every decision I make, is also a decision that I am not making. Those decisions define me.

Back from the tangent, I am going to attempt to descibe who I am. I am going to try to decipher the other factors that influence my decisions. Here we go.

From all my past experiences, the memories that I am the most drawn to are those when I was appreciated. Appreciation is the only measure available to judge the value and direction of my impact. While using appreciation as a measure might work, it is a very pragmatic viewpoint. Appreciation is a source of motivation, one of the most powerful I have found. At the risk of appearing snobbish, I feel that I have been under-appreciated considering my many accomplishments. I understand the importance of recognizing accomplishments and giving praise when praise is due. I feel that our culture grossly under-appreciates the efforts of others. Unless, abstaining the younger generation from praise is a plan to ensure human perseverance and productivity in the future. Consider this angle. If society only gives praise to significant accomplishments and we recognize that acceptance, praise and appreciation are basic human incentives, then people will always push to achieve significance. Children will grow to be the best that they can be. Individuals will try harder to reach the goal. We can condition society to advance itself. This leaves a great burden of quality of life with the education system and the body that controls education. I think this is much bigger question and I will save it for another post.

I am cynical, inquisitive and generally untrusting. I have trust issues, I have since I was young. The first time my trust was betrayed, I began generalizing that I could not trust anyone. I attribute this decision to many problems I had in my life, including an underdeveloped level of respect and lack of social skills. I did give-up on others too quickly but it did result in an independent and clever (albeit paranoid) little boy. I was the cliche anti-social teenagers-are-mean story. Although I enjoyed sports, I had confidence issues and believed that I could not compete. I was not going to be bothered with an activity that I was not ever going to be good at. Instead, I tried to escape my life by watching television and playing countless hours of video games. I needed slow steps to break out of the shell I had surrounded my feelings in. Luckily, I did have at least one person I felt I could trust. My best friend, who continues to be a good friend, was able to show me the light. We spent a lot of time together. I became good friends with the friends he made at school. I started branching out, playing sports, participating in gatherings other than school and the couch in front of the tv. I grew more confidence as I was able to prove my own self worth. It was an amazingly empowering feeling. I got deeply involved in alpine skiing only a few years after I learned to make my first turn.

I am heavily pragmatic and realistic. I am always analyzing a question based on how it applies to the world we know. I am competitive. I never back down from a challenge. I could go on explaining my personality, but I have a better way. I took a personality test, which involved answering a set of questions about the types of decisions that I make. This test classifys personalities into sixteen different categories. Fortunately, my personality type (INTJ) describes me to a tee.

I believe in taking two approaches to better understanding myself. The first is to seek help from others. The second is to carefully consider who I am. These two approaches should be very disconnected. Who I am to other people or how I am perceived. Who I believe I am or who I want to be. I am hoping that the combination should give a rounded description of Adam.

As I try to put myself into words, I find it difficult to use words based on examples, without recalling conflicting counterexamples. I feel that I should focus on the person that I want to be instead of the person that I am. I hope there is little disjoint between the responses to those questions, but am certain that there is. As I grow and change as a person, there will always be differences.

I want to make a significant and valuable contribution to society. This value is relatively novel to me. I believe that it formalized when I was considering what part of endeavours I have engaged in was the most important to me. One of the most important experiences in my life was the opportunity to become a coach for young athletes aspiring to be alpine skiing superstars. I had many reasons to be a coach but the most significant was that I was able to contribute value to their young lives, the future of the sport and Canadian nationalism. My value in philanthropy has only grown. I read news from all over the world regularly and study the principles of economics. I understand how unhappiness is spread over the world, how many problems people deal with on a daily basis, how unproductive lives are, and that I can make a difference. I feel that the impact that I can have is limited only by my own ambition.

I want to be a person of high integrity. I want to be trusting, trustworthy and dependable. I have strong moral values that need to be exhibited. This is not the person that I have always been, and I realize that fact. Over time, I have come to realize that integrity is the most important characteristic a person can have. A person with integrity is confident, honest and secure with their character. A person with integrity understands themselves, and can make sound judgments as a result. A person of integrity can weather the raging storms of life with a strength that is derived from themselves. A person of integrity supports and empowers those around him.

The thought had occurred to me in philosophy class, actually. There is a school of great thinkers in philosophy who spend countless hours considering what it means to be a person. Not human, but a person. Here is a start: They must be human. They must display creativity and intelligence. They must exhibit emotion.

Simple, right? In fact, those factors answer the question of what it means to be human. What makes you who you are? The biologist will tell you that it is your DNA and the organization of neurons in your brain. But, that’s still answering the same question. The Mind Body problem is an open question in philosophy, and it boils down to understanding the connection between the mind and body. How do you have consciousness? Is soldier lying in a coma in the hospital a person? What if a child is born into a coma?

While I do not feel responsible to solve a problem that has challenged society for centuries, it does lead to the question who am I? I have actually been considering this question for quite some time, originally hoping to stereotype myself into a group to which I rightfully belonged. This was High School, as I am sure that most people experience, everyone tries to define themselves. Their friends, their family, their grades, their popularity, their affiliations and activities. You all knew people who could be described by one of the following stereotypes: Jock, Prom Queen, Geek, Loner and “Friendly”. Since that delicate period in my life, I have grown older and wiser. I have realized that no matter how you define yourself, you will never truly conform to any stereotype. The real value is the path to finding yourself; your life. Ancillary to that realization is you can re-invent you as many times as you like and each description becomes a part of you.

I believe what triggered this memory was a reading from my course on business ethics that focusses on intentions and incentives.

Ever since I was younger, I’ve always loved my bicycle. In fact, it’s the first memory I have of ever doing anything athletic. My bike had much symbolism in my life, the most important of which is freedom. As a young child, riding my bike was an escape from my family and social life. I could get on my bike and venture where ever I chose. I could move as fast as my legs could pedal. It was a chance to clear my mind of everything that was happening at the time, and just enjoy being in the moment. My travels would take me all over the city and would begin the facination with adventure that I prize today.

As I grew up and got into High School, my outlook on life changed. Alpine skiing became the center of my life for half the year. I had access to a car, and no longer needed my bike for transportation. Thanks to a part time position at one of the biggest beneficiaries of the tech boom, I had some money.

When I got into my final year of high school, I decided that it wouldn’t hurt to get a different kind of job. One that did not involve sitting in front of a computer for hours. Many of my friends had jobs of this sort, so I figured that it wouldn’t be hard to get one. I drew up my resume of tech  and athletic accomplishments and set out.

On a related note, I had done very well through my affiliation as a ski coach at Camp Fortune. I (somehow?) had enough clout to warrant dealers offering me ski equipment at half of retail value. This was a benefit that I definitely took for granted. I assumed that they were giving me a special price, when really I was just talking to right people.

Since I really wanted a great mountain bike, and I did not want to pay full price for it, I decided that I would apply to work at a bike shop. I figured if I was going to work, I should be able to take advantages of the benefits that job had to offer. I was interested in mountain biking, however had not participated in any competitive manner.

I walked into Fresh Air Experience, a well known shop not far from my house. I walked in and asked to speak to the manager. We sat down at the back of the store, and I gave him a copy of my resume. It seemed to me that he didn’t get very many resumes from prospective employees my age. He told me my resume was good, and asked “Why do you want to work here?”. I told him that I really loved mountain biking and wanted to learn more about it. Then he asked me what I knew about bikes, like I was trying to sell him a bike. Obviously, I did this rather poorly. I’m sure it was a shining light right through my mask of good intentions.

Why would kid with little knowledge about bicycles want to work at a bicycle store? He either wants the money, wants to work with his friends (whom already work at the store), or want to buy an expensive bike cheaply.

Better yet, why would any bike shop want to hire that kid? One of the prerequisites for working at a bike shop is that you know something about bikes. Either to be able to sell them, build them, fix them, or at least not look like a fool in front of enthusiast customers who do know their stuff.

Obviously, I didn’t get the job and remained unemployed for my entire senior year. In retrospect, that result was the best because I haven’t had more than two weeks break ever since.

via Seth Godin

Throughout my teenage years, I used to lay awake in bed trying to fall asleep, thinking about everything in my life. This would often result in my being overtired the next morning. As I got into University, and my life got more stressful, I realized how important getting enough rest was to my attentiveness and perceptiveness. I decided that it was important to relax and shut my brain off quickly to get more rest.

I was wrong.

I’ve been doing an informal, non-scientific study on the effects of relaxing, or clearing the mind as you enter sleep. I began taking note of my ability to perform regular daily tasks, after noticing that I have more jump on days after I spent hours in the middle of the night collecting my thoughts.

Since this is a non-scientific study, I have not compiled the statistical evidence to support this hypothesis as being significant. I also cannot prove that the results are not a self fulfilling prophecy. However, purely based on my own feeling, here is the conclusion. On days after my mind has been active while entering sleep, I am more perceptive, creative and have a greater attention to detail. Not only that, but it’s noticible. Oftentimes, I find myself faced with a problem where I will sit and hope some genius is blessed upon me, and other times the answer will already be there. Some days, I will remember that I forgot my badge on my other pair of pants before I leave my room, and other days, not until I get to work. Some days, I seem to be able see things in a new light, and others, occurances just pass me by.

Does this explain why I tend not to do well on some exams? It certainly might.

Could this the cause of some of those days where nothing seems to be going your way? It might be the deciding factor.

I’m sure with a little effort, I could find some scientific studies support my observation on sleep and brain activity, however I believe that my own knowledge about myself is sufficient enough for until. And it will last, at least until I have to go around preaching my findings at my Nobel Laureate Seminars.

In the spirit of tying everything together, this conclusion is just another reason why Television is Detrimental to Your Mental Health.

Then I believed that I was a child prodigy whose destiny was to have the world marvel at his intellectual capacity. God, that was arrogant and indescribably immature.

Next, I believed that I my purpose in life was to lead an army of people in a huge corporation with the power to control the world. God, this is starting to sound like descriptions of all the super villians ever created.

Recently, I seem to believe that my purpose in life is to save the world from all the mental and physical problems that plague mankind. Like I’m the most unselfish mind in the world, all of a sudden. Like I have uncovered and understand all of the problems facing humanity and I already have solutions to them. God, it’s like I’m preparing a speech for a beauty pagent. Just call me the philanthropic pre-madonna.
I must be the most unrealistic person this side of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

I should stop here and give myself some credit. It does not hurt anyone to strive for goals that are much bigger than oneself, especially when that ambition drives us to succeed. Which it certainly has in my life; I have achieved my little heart out, even at my still relatively young age. It certainly cannot hurt to dream of bringing value back to a society that has already given so much.

You can clearly see that my life long goals have matured along with the rest of me. However, one idea still remains. I still want the power and influence to change the path of the future and the course of history. I still want that influence just to be handed to me on a silver platter, like I deserve it and it’s rightfully mine. I have not yet found the means to earn anything of value, but hopefully I’m now on the right path.

I still believe that I can achieve a goal much larger than myself. I think that I summed up the value of possibly unrealistic expectations in my last post:

humanity would be nothing if it was not for hope

I feel that I am moving in a direction that I can be proud of and others can respect. Maybe self pride and respect of my peers is really what I’m seeking in this invisible maze of life.

I believe that every human on earth should have some vested interest in contributing to the betterment of our race. Everyone must realize that their life is only so long and that their time is best spent improving the world, the environment and the society for the future of our race. Humanity is a long term investment, the goal of which may never be fully realized. However, in order for there to be any return on this long term investment, the current humanity must have faith in it’s future. Luckily, humanity would be nothing if it was not for hope.
Doesn’t the second school of thought sound like the description of the perfect, selfless buddhist monk? Well, there is a self pride aspect to being selfless. Let’s talk about what’s really concerning my thoughts; a man or woman’s (yes, I am politically correct, for once!) legacy.

I feel like I’ve reached this new level of moral strength, until I realize that there’s still this personal goal of leaving a lasting legacy. When I’m as old as my grandfather and I’m sitting in an apartment with a woman I’ve been married to for forty years (yes, that does imply I’m not getting married until I’m 40), I want to be able to look back at my life and remember at least one lasting contribution I’ve made to the society at large. I want this contribution to be respected by others as having a positive value on culture, technology, health or whatever else it might be.

Is this dream selfish or selfless?? I am returning something of value to humanity, but it is being branded forever with my name.

I’m worried that I’m still the greedy, selfish, immature and petty child that I’ve always been. I need to make sure that I’m making these goals for the right reasons.

Not being in Ottawa has been difficult as a Sens fan. The games are not on tv, and I can’t drive to Scotiabank place to see them play. In fact, since I’m now using a Mac, I can’t even listen to their games on Team 1200 Radio. Recently, Google decided to put old NHL games on Google Video. Which helps, but I’m so obsessed with the Sens that I want to know immediately, live, what’s happening. That has been difficult, especially steering thoughts away from the games while they’re playing.

Not being able to follow my favourite team has been so hard that I’ve been thinking about cheering for Another Team. That’s right, I’m doing it again. I am considering jumping on the bandwagon of the latest and greatest. I am taking the Senators for granted. This is becoming a real problem.

Now for the real question. Is loyalty blind? I would have said that my loyalty in the Sens is blind, except that I’m now considering relegating my loyalty elsewhere. That would lead me to believe that I’m probably not capable of blind loyalty. The answer must be that it is an ignorant person who is blind, and not the idea of loyalty itself.

On a related note; since there is nothing guaranteed in life, how or why should we commit ourselves to anything? Eventually, whatever we were originally loyal to will eventually become something else. If the object of the loyalty changes, does the loyalty not also change? Are we bound by our word to be loyal for the length of the object’s existence?

Let’s think about an obvious example. George W. Bush had many supporters at the time of first election. Over the course of his time in the presedential office, Dub-Ya has made several decisions that changed opinion and trust in him. I will not delve into the controversial political and religion issues that come to mind, suffice it to say that americans have less loyalty towards their president. In their eyes, the president has changed, and thus their loyalty towards him has also veered off. Maybe the question of that example should have been Is blind loyalty dangerous?
The one place that we can assuredly give our loyalty is to ourselves. We can use our personal loyalty to guide us to putting loyalty in others. Individualism, anyone?

I have been trying to work on my resume almost all day. I was hoping to work a project for work. I was looking forward to doing some reading for my course on ethics in business. I needed to buy some groceries. I wanted to go surfing; then I wanted to go to the gym. I wanted to go meet a friend at a party down in SDSU. What did I actually accomplish? I have some notes for my resume, but not much considering I’ve been awake for more than 12 hours. It really amazes me, a whole day gone and nothing to show for it.

I know what you’re thinking. Everyone needs a day to relax and just ‘not do anything’ every once in a while. I had a busy week, and I just needed to unwind. You might be right, I did enjoy surfing the internet, watching tv and listening to music. It’s quite possible that being relaxed for an entire day is good for my health, both physical and mental. Then why do I feel so angry with myself for not having any meaningful results to show for my efforts?

I set expectations too high. No, that is not the problem. Unless, I’m feeling overwhelmed by the number of tasks I want to accomplish, and I don’t.

When those days come around that I just can not seem to focus on anything, how do I turn the day around? How can I be focussed and productive on the days when my mind is working against me?

I am going to think about this logically, but I’m always looking for suggestions.

First; remind yourself of your motivation. I need to get my resume done now because I need to apply to jobs. I have enough to write on why that’s a motivation, that I’m going to need to put it into another post. Anyways, if you have no reason to be motivated to achieve your goal, then there really is no reason to be focussed on it.

Second; break each of your goals down into tasks that take no longer than an hour each. This is certainly common sense for most, but it really does help to see your work laid out for you and be able check your progress. It really is confidence boosting and motivating to look at the break down of tasks and check them off as your complete them.

Third; rid yourself of unnecessary distractions. How can you focus when everything around you keeps drawing your attention. Turn of the tv (I wrote an earlier post about how distracting tv is), tell your roommate to stop playing that annoying music (ironic, for those who know me), and don’t sit in front of a window.

Lastly; prepare yourself physically. I find that if I wake up on time, and get moving quickly, it’s much easier for me to steer my thoughts. Getting some exercise first thing in the morning works well too. Try going to the gym before you get to, instead of afterwards.

Although, I believe that Jon Stewart is making a greater contribution to the media, American society and the world in his current position as political spoof than he would as Commader in Chief; I’d still like to see him try to run. If he doesn’t, I’m sure that Steven Colbert will!

What specific changes would you like to see UW take in support of academic integrity?  What role should students play in this process?

I believe that an ethics course should be a mandatory part of the undergraduate Engineering curriculum. From what I understand, PDEng may cover this to some degree. I believe that, as a member of the Engineering profession, every member should be required to study problems in ethics and morality seriously.
I have also found that the Faculty of Mathematics, especially the School of Computer Science, takes a much stronger stand on academic integrity than the Faculty of Engineering does. I realize how easy it is to ‘cheat’ on most computer science projects, but I still find this ironic, in that an engineer is meant to be held to ‘the highest moral and ethical standards’.
I do not feel that any institution can reasonable rely on students to report acts of academic dishonesty because there are really no incentives for them to do so. In fact, the incentives are against them. They become alienated by someone, or a group of people, they probably considered friends. Losing friends to support your own sense of ethical justice? I do not see many students choosing that path. Generally, students in Computer Science or Electrical and Computer Engineering are not the types to stand up for what they believe in. They are more likely to shy away from showing any beliefs, whatsoever.

Please use this space for any comments you care to make, or if there is anything else you would like to tell us about the topic of cheating.

I feel that each Faculty needs to establish a clear, and concise, set of rules for collaboration on work intended for academic credit. The lines on what is acceptable and unacceptable around group work seem very blurry to me.
The faculty also needs to set aside some class time, or a mandatory tutorial, at least once in all students’ academic careers and specifically review the ethical expectations of students.

I’m certain that if I considered the situation at UW more closely, I could have found many other conflicts of interest, especially in relation to the coop system. The above issues seemed to be the most important to me at the time.