Journal of Life

Have you ever had an old memory of something you did return to you unexpectedly? Like deja-vu? Rather, an event or thought that triggered an old memory? As you might have guessed, an old memory has been haunting me the last couple of days.

I believe what triggered this memory was a reading from my course on business ethics that focusses on intentions and incentives.

Ever since I was younger, I’ve always loved my bicycle. In fact, it’s the first memory I have of ever doing anything athletic. My bike had much symbolism in my life, the most important of which is freedom. As a young child, riding my bike was an escape from my family and social life. I could get on my bike and venture where ever I chose. I could move as fast as my legs could pedal. It was a chance to clear my mind of everything that was happening at the time, and just enjoy being in the moment. My travels would take me all over the city and would begin the facination with adventure that I prize today.

As I grew up and got into High School, my outlook on life changed. Alpine skiing became the center of my life for half the year. I had access to a car, and no longer needed my bike for transportation. Thanks to a part time position at one of the biggest beneficiaries of the tech boom, I had some money.

When I got into my final year of high school, I decided that it wouldn’t hurt to get a different kind of job. One that did not involve sitting in front of a computer for hours. Many of my friends had jobs of this sort, so I figured that it wouldn’t be hard to get one. I drew up my resume of tech  and athletic accomplishments and set out.

On a related note, I had done very well through my affiliation as a ski coach at Camp Fortune. I (somehow?) had enough clout to warrant dealers offering me ski equipment at half of retail value. This was a benefit that I definitely took for granted. I assumed that they were giving me a special price, when really I was just talking to right people.

Since I really wanted a great mountain bike, and I did not want to pay full price for it, I decided that I would apply to work at a bike shop. I figured if I was going to work, I should be able to take advantages of the benefits that job had to offer. I was interested in mountain biking, however had not participated in any competitive manner.

I walked into Fresh Air Experience, a well known shop not far from my house. I walked in and asked to speak to the manager. We sat down at the back of the store, and I gave him a copy of my resume. It seemed to me that he didn’t get very many resumes from prospective employees my age. He told me my resume was good, and asked “Why do you want to work here?”. I told him that I really loved mountain biking and wanted to learn more about it. Then he asked me what I knew about bikes, like I was trying to sell him a bike. Obviously, I did this rather poorly. I’m sure it was a shining light right through my mask of good intentions.

Why would kid with little knowledge about bicycles want to work at a bicycle store? He either wants the money, wants to work with his friends (whom already work at the store), or want to buy an expensive bike cheaply.

Better yet, why would any bike shop want to hire that kid? One of the prerequisites for working at a bike shop is that you know something about bikes. Either to be able to sell them, build them, fix them, or at least not look like a fool in front of enthusiast customers who do know their stuff.

Obviously, I didn’t get the job and remained unemployed for my entire senior year. In retrospect, that result was the best because I haven’t had more than two weeks break ever since.

A choir over in Birmingham, UK, has decided to voice their opinions in the form of church songs. They are particularly relevant as they remind me of similar quips I have about Waterloo. Especially reminiscent is the line “My life is going down the ‘loo”, which, of course, is more of a pun from my viewpoint.

via Seth Godin

Over the last couple of years, I’ve gotten into the habit of watching a television show or a movie while I’m falling asleep. I started this habit because it was relaxing and helped me fall asleep quicker. I remember, when I was younger, I used to fall asleep in front of the tv all the time. All of my high school friends will attest to the fact that I would fall asleep watching watching literally any movie.

Throughout my teenage years, I used to lay awake in bed trying to fall asleep, thinking about everything in my life. This would often result in my being overtired the next morning. As I got into University, and my life got more stressful, I realized how important getting enough rest was to my attentiveness and perceptiveness. I decided that it was important to relax and shut my brain off quickly to get more rest.

I was wrong.

I’ve been doing an informal, non-scientific study on the effects of relaxing, or clearing the mind as you enter sleep. I began taking note of my ability to perform regular daily tasks, after noticing that I have more jump on days after I spent hours in the middle of the night collecting my thoughts.

Since this is a non-scientific study, I have not compiled the statistical evidence to support this hypothesis as being significant. I also cannot prove that the results are not a self fulfilling prophecy. However, purely based on my own feeling, here is the conclusion. On days after my mind has been active while entering sleep, I am more perceptive, creative and have a greater attention to detail. Not only that, but it’s noticible. Oftentimes, I find myself faced with a problem where I will sit and hope some genius is blessed upon me, and other times the answer will already be there. Some days, I will remember that I forgot my badge on my other pair of pants before I leave my room, and other days, not until I get to work. Some days, I seem to be able see things in a new light, and others, occurances just pass me by.

Does this explain why I tend not to do well on some exams? It certainly might.

Could this the cause of some of those days where nothing seems to be going your way? It might be the deciding factor.

I’m sure with a little effort, I could find some scientific studies support my observation on sleep and brain activity, however I believe that my own knowledge about myself is sufficient enough for until. And it will last, at least until I have to go around preaching my findings at my Nobel Laureate Seminars.

In the spirit of tying everything together, this conclusion is just another reason why Television is Detrimental to Your Mental Health.

Most of my life I have believed that I have a great meaningful purpose in existance. Everytime I did anything, I would amazing myself with my ability to perform that function, and again when others had difficulty. God, I must have been a disrespectful and petty little rascal.
I used to believe that I was destined to make more money than Bill Gates or Warren Buffet. Like that was the only goal in life. God, that was shallow, ignorant and especially immature.

Then I believed that I was a child prodigy whose destiny was to have the world marvel at his intellectual capacity. God, that was arrogant and indescribably immature.

Next, I believed that I my purpose in life was to lead an army of people in a huge corporation with the power to control the world. God, this is starting to sound like descriptions of all the super villians ever created.

Recently, I seem to believe that my purpose in life is to save the world from all the mental and physical problems that plague mankind. Like I’m the most unselfish mind in the world, all of a sudden. Like I have uncovered and understand all of the problems facing humanity and I already have solutions to them. God, it’s like I’m preparing a speech for a beauty pagent. Just call me the philanthropic pre-madonna.
I must be the most unrealistic person this side of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

I should stop here and give myself some credit. It does not hurt anyone to strive for goals that are much bigger than oneself, especially when that ambition drives us to succeed. Which it certainly has in my life; I have achieved my little heart out, even at my still relatively young age. It certainly cannot hurt to dream of bringing value back to a society that has already given so much.

You can clearly see that my life long goals have matured along with the rest of me. However, one idea still remains. I still want the power and influence to change the path of the future and the course of history. I still want that influence just to be handed to me on a silver platter, like I deserve it and it’s rightfully mine. I have not yet found the means to earn anything of value, but hopefully I’m now on the right path.

I still believe that I can achieve a goal much larger than myself. I think that I summed up the value of possibly unrealistic expectations in my last post:

humanity would be nothing if it was not for hope

I feel that I am moving in a direction that I can be proud of and others can respect. Maybe self pride and respect of my peers is really what I’m seeking in this invisible maze of life.

Once people realize their life will end at some point, they choose one of two schools of thought. Some believe that since life is short, we should enjoy it while we can. This leads to selfish, individualistic capitalists who contribute to the economy only to take as much as they can from it for themselves. The other school of thought believes in the value of the existence of the human race and wants to see our race continue to evolve. These people feel that they can provide value to society through contributing to the economy, running for public office or contributing to the public sector, or taking on their own endeavour to resurrect a valuable public institution.

I believe that every human on earth should have some vested interest in contributing to the betterment of our race. Everyone must realize that their life is only so long and that their time is best spent improving the world, the environment and the society for the future of our race. Humanity is a long term investment, the goal of which may never be fully realized. However, in order for there to be any return on this long term investment, the current humanity must have faith in it’s future. Luckily, humanity would be nothing if it was not for hope.
Doesn’t the second school of thought sound like the description of the perfect, selfless buddhist monk? Well, there is a self pride aspect to being selfless. Let’s talk about what’s really concerning my thoughts; a man or woman’s (yes, I am politically correct, for once!) legacy.

I feel like I’ve reached this new level of moral strength, until I realize that there’s still this personal goal of leaving a lasting legacy. When I’m as old as my grandfather and I’m sitting in an apartment with a woman I’ve been married to for forty years (yes, that does imply I’m not getting married until I’m 40), I want to be able to look back at my life and remember at least one lasting contribution I’ve made to the society at large. I want this contribution to be respected by others as having a positive value on culture, technology, health or whatever else it might be.

Is this dream selfish or selfless?? I am returning something of value to humanity, but it is being branded forever with my name.

I’m worried that I’m still the greedy, selfish, immature and petty child that I’ve always been. I need to make sure that I’m making these goals for the right reasons.

I’ve been thinking about the idea of loyalty, mostly in the context of my Ottawa Senators . They have not been playing as well, and certainly not as consistently, as we are all used to seeing them. I know that the problems they are having now will become strengths a little further into the season, but it’s still hurts whenever they give up a bad goal, or lose a game by one point. I know what you’re thinking; the Sens are just a hockey team, why are you taking their losses so personally? Well, I have been following the Sens since the 90’s and have developed a sense of attachment towards them. This attachment is so intense that I actually feel when they score a goal, take a hit along the boards, or beat the Leafs (that one feels great!). Yes, I am overly emotionally attached to the Sens. Although, lately, I’ve been questioning this ‘commitment’.

Not being in Ottawa has been difficult as a Sens fan. The games are not on tv, and I can’t drive to Scotiabank place to see them play. In fact, since I’m now using a Mac, I can’t even listen to their games on Team 1200 Radio. Recently, Google decided to put old NHL games on Google Video. Which helps, but I’m so obsessed with the Sens that I want to know immediately, live, what’s happening. That has been difficult, especially steering thoughts away from the games while they’re playing.

Not being able to follow my favourite team has been so hard that I’ve been thinking about cheering for Another Team. That’s right, I’m doing it again. I am considering jumping on the bandwagon of the latest and greatest. I am taking the Senators for granted. This is becoming a real problem.

Now for the real question. Is loyalty blind? I would have said that my loyalty in the Sens is blind, except that I’m now considering relegating my loyalty elsewhere. That would lead me to believe that I’m probably not capable of blind loyalty. The answer must be that it is an ignorant person who is blind, and not the idea of loyalty itself.

On a related note; since there is nothing guaranteed in life, how or why should we commit ourselves to anything? Eventually, whatever we were originally loyal to will eventually become something else. If the object of the loyalty changes, does the loyalty not also change? Are we bound by our word to be loyal for the length of the object’s existence?

Let’s think about an obvious example. George W. Bush had many supporters at the time of first election. Over the course of his time in the presedential office, Dub-Ya has made several decisions that changed opinion and trust in him. I will not delve into the controversial political and religion issues that come to mind, suffice it to say that americans have less loyalty towards their president. In their eyes, the president has changed, and thus their loyalty towards him has also veered off. Maybe the question of that example should have been Is blind loyalty dangerous?
The one place that we can assuredly give our loyalty is to ourselves. We can use our personal loyalty to guide us to putting loyalty in others. Individualism, anyone?