Journal of Life

What makes everyone so good at procrastinating? I consider myself a focussed and productive person, but there are certainly times when I want to get something done, but just can’t seem to do it. I always seem to be able to find some way to not think about the task at hand. In fact, I’m doing it right now. Boy, SNL is awfully distracting.

I have been trying to work on my resume almost all day. I was hoping to work a project for work. I was looking forward to doing some reading for my course on ethics in business. I needed to buy some groceries. I wanted to go surfing; then I wanted to go to the gym. I wanted to go meet a friend at a party down in SDSU. What did I actually accomplish? I have some notes for my resume, but not much considering I’ve been awake for more than 12 hours. It really amazes me, a whole day gone and nothing to show for it.

I know what you’re thinking. Everyone needs a day to relax and just ‘not do anything’ every once in a while. I had a busy week, and I just needed to unwind. You might be right, I did enjoy surfing the internet, watching tv and listening to music. It’s quite possible that being relaxed for an entire day is good for my health, both physical and mental. Then why do I feel so angry with myself for not having any meaningful results to show for my efforts?

I set expectations too high. No, that is not the problem. Unless, I’m feeling overwhelmed by the number of tasks I want to accomplish, and I don’t.

When those days come around that I just can not seem to focus on anything, how do I turn the day around? How can I be focussed and productive on the days when my mind is working against me?

I am going to think about this logically, but I’m always looking for suggestions.

First; remind yourself of your motivation. I need to get my resume done now because I need to apply to jobs. I have enough to write on why that’s a motivation, that I’m going to need to put it into another post. Anyways, if you have no reason to be motivated to achieve your goal, then there really is no reason to be focussed on it.

Second; break each of your goals down into tasks that take no longer than an hour each. This is certainly common sense for most, but it really does help to see your work laid out for you and be able check your progress. It really is confidence boosting and motivating to look at the break down of tasks and check them off as your complete them.

Third; rid yourself of unnecessary distractions. How can you focus when everything around you keeps drawing your attention. Turn of the tv (I wrote an earlier post about how distracting tv is), tell your roommate to stop playing that annoying music (ironic, for those who know me), and don’t sit in front of a window.

Lastly; prepare yourself physically. I find that if I wake up on time, and get moving quickly, it’s much easier for me to steer my thoughts. Getting some exercise first thing in the morning works well too. Try going to the gym before you get to, instead of afterwards.

For all the Americans that are Indecisive about their vote in the upcoming US Primaries, here’s a suggestion:
Jon Stewart for President

Although, I believe that Jon Stewart is making a greater contribution to the media, American society and the world in his current position as political spoof than he would as Commader in Chief; I’d still like to see him try to run. If he doesn’t, I’m sure that Steven Colbert will!

I filled out an anonymous survey today on academic integrity, as it applies to students at UW. It was mostly a yes/no questionaire, however they did offer some opportunities to give greater insight into problems at UW.

What specific changes would you like to see UW take in support of academic integrity?  What role should students play in this process?

I believe that an ethics course should be a mandatory part of the undergraduate Engineering curriculum. From what I understand, PDEng may cover this to some degree. I believe that, as a member of the Engineering profession, every member should be required to study problems in ethics and morality seriously.
I have also found that the Faculty of Mathematics, especially the School of Computer Science, takes a much stronger stand on academic integrity than the Faculty of Engineering does. I realize how easy it is to ‘cheat’ on most computer science projects, but I still find this ironic, in that an engineer is meant to be held to ‘the highest moral and ethical standards’.
I do not feel that any institution can reasonable rely on students to report acts of academic dishonesty because there are really no incentives for them to do so. In fact, the incentives are against them. They become alienated by someone, or a group of people, they probably considered friends. Losing friends to support your own sense of ethical justice? I do not see many students choosing that path. Generally, students in Computer Science or Electrical and Computer Engineering are not the types to stand up for what they believe in. They are more likely to shy away from showing any beliefs, whatsoever.

Please use this space for any comments you care to make, or if there is anything else you would like to tell us about the topic of cheating.

I feel that each Faculty needs to establish a clear, and concise, set of rules for collaboration on work intended for academic credit. The lines on what is acceptable and unacceptable around group work seem very blurry to me.
The faculty also needs to set aside some class time, or a mandatory tutorial, at least once in all students’ academic careers and specifically review the ethical expectations of students.

I’m certain that if I considered the situation at UW more closely, I could have found many other conflicts of interest, especially in relation to the coop system. The above issues seemed to be the most important to me at the time.

I read an interesting article this morning on the inherent problems in publishing a personal blog. While the article was definitely written with a strongly religious viewpoint, it does raise some interesting issues. You can find the original article at Blogs and God’s Youth.
“An Era Grows a ‘Voice’ ”

There is no better way to grow a society of self centered individuals than to give everyone the sense that their voice matters. Having a blog gives the writer this illusion that their opinion and voice immediately has an impact on the world just by publishing it online. While this may be the case for some highly read blogs, there are more than 100 millions blogs on the web and that means that a large majority of them are likely to be unread by others.

“The level of shallowness and emotional immaturity this represents is astonishing! In the grand scheme of things, why would the world at large care? “

Obviously an extreme opinion, however if you are expecting the world to read a few words about your personal life, then you do deserve the criticism. Setting realistic expectations about your life, certainly about expressing yourself, should be the real goals. If a blog helps you mature enough to realize this, then I feel that the blog has served its purpose.

As a person reading blogs belonging to others, I have the option of ignoring personal notes. I am not forced in anyway to read a blog that offers no value to me. If that blog exists, at least I have the option of deciding whether this blog can offer me some value, or not.

“Think Before You Do”

Consideration before action is an important part of any intelligent being. Acting on a whim represents a lack of self control and a lack of intelligence. Yes, intelligence. It makes you nothing more than an animal, making decisions based on instinct alone. Aristotle once said that the most important ability that separates human beings from animals is our ability to reason. Personally, I feel that I have a lot of room to improve in using my brain before action. Although I have been blessed with solid instincts, there is no excuse not to consider an action before reacting.

In a blog, it’s easy to forget that what you are writing is also being broadcast to the world. You might have the tendancy to write a juicy tidbit that should have been kept a personal detail, and reveal that tidbit to unintended parties. You could be inflicting harm on others, or upon yourself.

Conclusion

Many of the other points in this article are restatements or blind propaganda, as the writer constants tries to relate everything back to the bible. However, their opinions have caused me to consider putting a disclaimer on my blog. I think that my ‘Welcome‘ post represents my intentions and nature of this blog well .

Today was a unusual day in my life.

I slept in until 9am this morning. While sleeping in isn’t unusual in itself, it should be, and for some reason I feel bad about it. The company I work for is very flexible with their notions of working hours, however there’s some about getting into work late. It just feels like I’m starting off the day incorrectly, or rather, starting the day off amiss (thanks thesaurus.com).

I’m not sure why I feel so inadequate after waking up late, especially when I feel so physically refreshed. I do think that it’s important that I take a moment to consider why I feel this way, it is the reason I started this blog after all (see previous posts below). I think that I arrive at work and notice how almost everyone else is there already, diligently working away. I am afraid that others are going to percieve me as a slacker; the lazy intern who doesn’t respect anyone else and whose presence is more of a burden to the team than a contribution. That’s it. I’m afraid that I’m letting down the team.

I want to leave an impression that I am a significant contributor, one that brings value to the team. Just like in meaningful relationships, I want to be a member of the team that brings more back to the team than I take away.

Why are we so quick to take everything and anything that is important to us for granted? Better yet, why am I so quick to take my experiences, my friends, my family and my life for granted?

I visited Stanford University last weekend. I felt like a delighted 6 year old again, like the second time I visited Toms’ cottage. The first time, I didn’t know what to expect. This feeling is also the same feeling I felt when I visited Whistler for the first time. Don’t worry, you’re not supposed to understand why I’d be so amazed with Whistler. I’ll explain my background in alpine skiing in another post.

Why was I feeling so warm and fuzzy about Stanford University? Like many other Ivy League institutions such as Harvard, MIT, Berkeley, Oxford or Cambridge, Stanford is very well know as being a leader in many respects. As an academic with big ambitions (aspirations of grandeur), being at Stanford was like finally realizing a dream.

I grew up believing that I was destined to do something or be someone great. I was also very greedy and petty as a child. I wanted everything the world had to offer and did not know how to achieve these material possessions. I was bent on getting as rich as I could and did anything and everything I could to push life to making myself more wealthy. I am certain that I made many decisions that I should now regret especially in respecting others.

Around the time I was applying to High School, I came to understand that the University of Waterloo had a fantastic reputation for recruiting the best and brightest young minds. Waterloo grads were supposedly the most in demand in the thriving high tech business world. After hearing this, I immediately set my goal for High School to be accepted into an engineering program at the University of Waterloo. I was so certain that I needed to be accepted to the best school upon graduation, that I started to develop a scary sense of uncertainty. I was afraid that I would be a failure and would live out my life in regret. I wouldn’t have been able to continue my life know that I was incapable of achieving at a young age. I would have slipped into a very sad, apathetic and unfulfilling life.

Attending Waterloo was a dream for me. It represented a measure that I could evaluate my progress, that I could evaluate my life against. It was a bar that was set so high that I would really have to be something special to achieve it. I made this goal to represent my success as a person. I realize the flaw in this now, and hope to explore it more through this blog.

When I finally got my acceptance from Waterloo, I was the happiest I’ve ever been. I remember that my family had Newport pizza for dinner that night, it was my choice. I’ll admit that I did not work very hard for it, not nearly as hard as it should have required. I never learned how to study effectively; I’m still trying to figure it out now. I rarely did my homework. I only put in as much effort as I needed to. However, I did spend a ton of time hanging out with my friends and speeding down the slopes of Camp Fortune. I spent more time at Toms’ house and Camp Fortune combined than I spent either at home or at school.

I had gained my most prized and significant goal in life through nothing more than putting in the time. Understanding that I was able to achieve this great feat without being my best self, only solidified the notion that I really was destined for greatness.

This was nearly 5 years ago. I had all the excitement in the world. I am a part of an institution as great as the University of Waterloo. Today, I stand at the entrance to an institution, with my jaw dropped and eyes lit up. I am that child again. The one who needs another seemingly unreachable goal to define himself.

Have I gotten bored? Is it that I’ve been there and seen all the flaws, and now I’m ready to move on to the next Waterloo? Is it simply that I have fulfilled the first achievement and I’m ready to find the next?

What scares me most about this situation is, do I do this habitually? Am I constantly searching for the next and greatest opportunity and taking for granted that which got me to where I am today? How soon before I forget the years that I spent at Waterloo?

Am I taking friends or family for granted also?

High School was an especially difficult and awkward time for me. If it were not for a few very important but underappreciated factors in my life, I fear that my life may have taken a sharp turn down a dark path that would have only resulted in misery.

In Elementary School, I didn’t have a lot going for me. I found it difficult to make friends. I was overly competitive, a sore loser and I didn’t respond well to criticism. I did not understand what a loving or even respectful relationship was, nor did really have any. I got into this habit of overeating at every meal. I did not understand why all the other kids at school enjoyed sports so much, I just felt they were tiring and unrewarding. I am certain now that they were unrewarding because I had no respect for anyone else was not very athletically inclined. As a result of compensating for the rest of my life through eating and getting only very little exercise, I became overweight. Being an overweight child, who gets little exercise and is incapable of standing up for himself, is definitely not a very happy way to go through childhood. A psychologist probably could have classified me as depressed.

Fortunately, I was rather clever and school came easily to me. Especially math, science and computers. I was the perfect student; I did very little homework, paid attention in class and was even in the school band. I recieved great marks and praises throughout most of High School. All this praise started sinking in . Suddenly, the child that had been forever plagued by a low self-esteem became cocky and arrogant. While I was still the center of peer ridicule, the type of ridicule changed. Unfortunately, the only way I knew how to deal with mocking was to ignore the source. This practice of ignoring almost everyone was not helping my air arrogance in the least. It got to the point where I go a whole day at school without speaking more than a few words.

My lack of socializing certainly was not helping my underdeveloped conversational skills. Constantly feeling like an outsider and being almost alienated from your peers in High School is not a life I would recommend.

Please note; I might be making this sound worse than it really was. I did have a few friends at my High School, but only a couple that I still talk to. The people that I called friends were actually Toms’ friends originally. Herein lies another place where my friendship with Tom had an indescribable impact on my life.

Since I spent so much time with Tom in my childhood, it was easy to meet and spend time with Toms’ friends from school. Tom attended a special school for children who had been deemed enriched at a young age. (How Colin got there, I’ll never understand!) In grade 7, I began spending more and more time with Toms’ friends, as he began spending more time with them. I fondly remember going to Toms’ house for lunches to play video games. This is where I started to grow, socially.

By High School, I had gotten to know most of these guys, and girls, quite well. Although, I was going to a different school than most of them, we were spending most evenings and weekends together. I wanted to fit in at my High School, but was unable to. No matter how hard I tried, which wasn’t very hard because I didn’t understand how to make friends, I wasn’t able to show anyone what I great friend I was.

I continued to try and cultivate my relationships with my friends I had met through Tom. Despite being more or less unsuccessful at my school, was able to grow more friendships with help from my best bud.

These friends I met way back when, I still consider to be some of my best friends to date. There are very few other people that I can connect with as well as them. They are a cherished and invaluable piece of my childhood, teenage years and my general upbringing. I hope we can remain close for many years to come.

While I was growing up, I spent a lot of time with someone I consider to be my best friend; Tom. We lived on the same street, only a few houses apart. We first met when I was about 5 years old. I was bored one day, and my mother suggested that I go down the street and meet the new kid on the block. I remember very little since the, and couldn’t even tell you the first time we did anything together. We spent nearly all of our free time together from Elementary school, right through until the end of High School. When I say Tom is a good friend, I really mean that he’s a good friend. He has many great qualities and personality traits that I genuinely admire. I believe that Tom turned out to be such a respectable person because of his family. His father had been an elementary school teacher for a large part of his career and was very good at what he did. His mother is an accountant, who chooses her job opportunities based on how much value she can give back to society. Both of Toms’ parents are strong, but warm people. Since Toms’ father was young, his family owned a stretch of land out in middle-of-nowhere Ontario, which they had used as a tree farm. The tree farm is not the most exciting part of the land, it is the four cottages that his family built on the land, one for each of Toms’ uncles. Toms’ father loves their little tree farm, and it’s easy to see why. Life there is simple. In one place it holds the past, the current and the future. Life at Toms’ cottage can be explained very simply, meaningful relationships. Their whole extended family spends many weekends and all holidays together there. Everyone in their family is open, conversational and leads their own unique and interesting life. (I am running out of adjectives to descibe these people!). When they come together it really is an amazing experience. They all have something really valuable and special to bring to the family, and they all lead richer lives because they give more into the family than they take away. I think that therein lies the key to a rich, fulling life. Meaningful relationships. Relationships where all parties give more than they take.

This family has such a strong supporting stucture. I have always been impressed and very respectful of this family, however I never really realized why until now.

Continuing on my last about watching life pass you by………..I’m sitting still watching tv, at the moment. Waiting for my dinner to cook. I’m quickly realizing how time just disappears as the television blares. Barely a thought in my head, I’m just staring blankly as life continues. I’m so relaxed, I’m not sure that my heart is pumping. I feel like I’m in a coma.

I need to take control of my life back, and I think I’m going to start by getting up and unplugging the tv.

Have you ever experienced time in your life when you feel like you’re seeing your life from outside your body? When you make decisions but aren’t really thinking through them? Like your mind has been numbed?

Have you ever felt like you’re just watching life pass you by?

That’s exactly how I feel now. That’s how I’ve felt for a large part of the last 5 years of my life. I feel like I’ve just been letting opportunities and decisions flow through my life without taking any time to sit and considering what’s happening to my life. The more I think about it, the scarier it really is.

I have considered that living like this is the only honest to find who you are at heart, below the guise that people put on when they have alterior motives or trying to be someone they’re not. Maybe it’s time to analyze these decisions I’ve made (or haven’t made, in some cases) and try to better define myself.

However: isn’t this analysis exercise just going lead to my describing myself as apathetic and indecisive? Possibly, but even if I passed up decisions, or chose to be boring, I was still living and doing something with my life. I think that its the thoughts that my mind continually returns, the actions that I keep taking that describe me better than the actions I feel I should have taken, but didn’t.